Spring

There is a thunderstorm outside my window. I am in awe of it. Here I sit, so small... so little. And beyond this pane of glass crashes a world of wonder and mighty power, tearing the heavens apart and rebuilding them with charcoal clouds. The rain pours down, a sacred thing, slucing through the branches of quivering trees, driving its way deep down to the heart of the earth as it rolls off blades of grass and car windows in a seemingly random dance. (The greatest secret - nothing is truly random.)

I feel awake... alive. The cup of tea in my hand is warm, as warm as the metal of my worn necklace... as warm as the coming air. Everything is a feast for my senses as I take in the storm and thank Deity for this. This Spring.

How beautiful are you, Beloved? How beautiful are you, Season? You who took so long to arrive... and now you stand! Dripping and full of blossoms at our doors. You laugh off your tardiness as you urge us all to rise up and dance... rise up and live... Look, there are blossoms - look, new leaves! Look at the animals giving birth and the birds singing and look at the greenery around you and feel your bones stop aching and your lungs breathing deeper and know that winter is past. I am here, now... you seem to say. At last.

My heart is too full for words.

Hum.

I realize that I've been Very Bad about posting here. I hope to fix that. ;)

"I am Your child."

I never understand the people who believe in a callous Goddess. "She's out there, but She let's me do what I want- get into trouble if I want, and She's definitely not going to help me out. I have to be strong for myself. She doesn't help Her children."

I've tried to understand their point. But I can't. Every single time I have been overwhelmed or in great pain or completely drowning, I call out to Her- and every single time, I feel this perfect, divine, comforting prescence that fills me and upholds me and carries me through the worst of it. I don't know if I could have survived Jenn's visit to the emergency room Monday night if it wasn't for the Goddess. I've never felt more frightened in my life (I was terrified, actually)- and every single time it got to be too much, I would pray to Her, and I felt at peace.

That's not a chemical reaction. That's not a hallucination. That's not a "sensitive, wishy-washy woman thing." It's real- it's honest... it's the truest thing I know.

I often wonder if they've never tried asking... the people that believe the Goddess will not help you. I often wonder if they've ever prayed to Her... if they've ever asked Her to come into their lives and fix things... Because She would, you know.

I've had experiences that I call my miracles. I honestly do not have to have faith anymore... I have experienced the Goddess in a way that caused me no longer to believe. But to know. There's a great gap of difference between the two.

This past month, I was the sickest in my life, and some of the worst things happened. Without my faith, I don't know where I'd be.

This is entirely based on the book I'm currently reading - Dancing the Goddess Incarnate. It's a great book... save for the chapter when they mention that you have to do everything yourself... that the Goddess will never help you out. I just found myself shaking my head, disbelieving. Is this honestly what the authors think? Have they ever asked?

No matter who you are, what you do or what you believe, you're going to need help at some point in this life. I don't care who you believe in... Just believe. And never be afraid to call out for help.

We're only human. We may be amazing, beautiful and partially divine creatures, but we also need a little help now and then. I, for one, know that my Divine Mother will never think me too old to hold me, comfort me and "make it all better." And that's something I can be unendingly grateful for.

I Resolve to Eat More Chocolate

I've never been a resolution sort of girl. I assumed that if I really wanted to do something in the year, I wouldn't have to promise myself it'd get done. I'm a free spirit, so tying myself down with obligations never seemed like the best idea- even if they were obligations to myself.

This year, I'm approaching the thought of resolutions with a spiritual mindset... meaning I'm going to have fun with them. So I sat down, and stared at a blank piece of paper and asked the Goddess for wisdom. And levity. This is what I came up with:

1. DO NOT STRESS ABOUT THE WEDDING! OR BUYING A HOUSE! OR ANYTHING!! AT ALL! EVER!
This one was kind of easier said than done. I have the tendancy- free spirit aside- to worry about large, hard to handle things. I consider a wedding sort of massive- like an elderly elephant that will really do what it wants to do. And buying a house? Sort of like a brontosaurus... but slightly less extinct. Either way, they're both very large animals. The saying goes, you can eat an elephant if you take one bite at a time... did anyone ever ask the elephant what he thought of that?

2. Get up early enough in the morning to do yoga or belly dance. Every morning.
I do yoga and belly dance... after work. Or during work on my lunch break. I'm all about having spiritual moments during the incredibly mundane, but how enlightened could anyone possibly get while thinking about spreadsheets? A yoga (or belly dance) morning practice has been a wish of mine for years... It's my NotAMorningPersonItis that results in it not being a reality. Until this year! Really! Goddess help me!

3. Memorize two to three poems a month.
There was a time when I could recite Shakespeare and Byron and Keats at any moment... I had an appropriate poetry stanza for any situation, and even if I didn't feel like sharing my very weird habit with the world, I could gleefully think about it. (I really should have been an English professor.) I miss it... and I realize that many of the poems need brushing up on... and there were poems I never got to... and it makes you all smart and stuff to memorize things. So I said: Why not? Bring on the Dickinson! :D

4. Write novels. Alot of them.
I do that anyway. Just... more. And better. Maybe with fewer vampires and incredibly dramatic gay men. (My favorite characters!)

5. Take time for myself each week.
Wouldn't we all like to do that? Have this blessed moment of free time completely devoid of obligation, worry and a hectic schedule? It's hard to attain in this busy world... but it's also absolutely essential. It's probably the only promise I can make for myself freely... I intend to have incredibly blissful aromatherapy laden baths~

6. Read a kabillion books. Maybe a kabillion and one.
In all the hustle and bustle of a writer's life, there's often precious few moments to read another writer's work... and yet it's absolutely essential. It's a strange situation. Reading has always been my favorite thing to do- in this coming year, I'm going to do alot more of my favorite thing~

I feel for the coming year a very fresh, light start... like the opening of windows on the first day of spring... all the cares of the winter gradually melt in the brisk wind of change. I'm ready for it!

May your 2007 be perfect and bright~

Blessed Solstice

Once upon a winter's night,
The sun grew dim and lost its light
And sunk into a reverent sleep
Of sweeter songs and dreams to keep.

He saw a love and perfect peace
And all the things our world could need.
He dreamed of children, good and kind
And saw the future in his mind,
He knew how things could someday be
...How we alone possessed the key.

And on the lonely, snowbound earth,
We gathered close and tended hearth
For if the fires shone tonight,
The sun would bring back his sweet light.
Celebrations danced the dark
As we acknowledged our pure spark,
For deep within us, love still burns
As now the sacred solstice turns...

As one, we raise our voices strong
And sing him back, our blessed sun.

~EK 12.21.06

To All the World~

Understanding

This Saturday, I was wrapping presents with my Mum... Soft, winter sunlight drifted through the windows and gauzy curtains, blanketing the kitchen in the cheerful glow I remember from my childhood. I cut pieces of paper, taped edges and signed tags as we spoke of nothing and everything... and then she paused for a moment.

"So." She said, setting down her pen. "Do you celebrate Christmas?"

It was a strange question, one that I hadn't been expecting. I thought about it for a second, and then answered: "Of course I do... But I also celebrate Yule. That's technically my Christmas."

"What's that?" She asked. I explained that Yule is a celebration of love and light on the darkest day of the year... it's a call for the sun to return to us- one that has been uttered since the dawn of time.

"What religion are you?" She whispered, then.

I told my Mother when I was fifteen that I was Pagan. I told her every year since then... it was something that she didn't want to hear or acknowledge, and it was a wedge between us that hurt me to the core. I would patiently listen to her lecture on the son of God, then try to interject how I saw things... to admonishments of hell and brimstone. It was something that we could not agree on, and something that she would not let go of.

"I'm Pagan, Mum." I told her again.

"What does that... mean?" She asked.

And for the first time in seven years... she listened.

But It IS a Grove! Really!

You're Pagan if:

During a game of Pictionary, you shout "Grove" instead of "Trees."

... It was at my company's holiday party, too. ;p

In Darkness, Find Your Light

From the minute we came home from work last night, until the minute our heads hit the pillows, we were shopping... there were so many little things left to get, even though we'd done most of it in November... we decided to try and do it all in one night.

It didn't end up working quite as we'd planned, and we still had several present-findings left to accomplish, when we came back home- exhausted- at the end of our shopping trip. We took off our shoes, stretched our aching muscles and noticed that our answering machine light was blinking: one message.

We live in an apartment building of four apartments- the lovely woman across from us adores us, the young man that lives above her is very shy (so we never see him), and the lady above us...? She never met us, and decided that she truly disliked us. She's made our stay in the apartments ... horrible (Specific problems left unsaid here, of course). We tried to see past that this holiday season, and left a little card outside of her door- a simple wish for happiness this month, with our names signed.

She had waited until we left our aparment to look up our phone number, call us and leave us this message:

"Thanks for the card... but I just want you to know that I have *no* intentions of being friends with you people. Merry Christmas. *click*"

We listened to the message, dumbstruck... and hurt. We've never been anything but kind and compassionate towards her- we've never done anything but smile and ask her how her day has been. Friends? We had simply wanted to wish her joy.

I went into the bedroom, massaging my temples, repeating: "Don't take things personally," until it became a sing-song chant. Sitting on my edge of the bed, I sighed, trying very hard to not let it affect me- but it already had.

I picked up one of my favorite Goddess books, and thumbed through the pages, not really looking at the words, when suddenly, the book fell open to a certain page, and a phrase caught my eye:

"...in the darkness, find compassion- in the darkness, find your light."

I paused for a moment, feeling the Divine, comforting presence that I knew and cherished within me. The Goddess has her lessons for all of us. Compassion and pity poured from me, poured from my hands, my heart... There was nothing but love to feel for this woman. There was nothing but love.

I fell asleep with my head upon Jenn's shoulder, a Goddess prayer repeating itself in hushed tones, over and over in my head. "Goddess, hold me with your light- Mother, keep me day and night." The gentle litany made me think of nothing else but peace, and I drifted away into the land of dreams, held by Her love.

What else is there to say? What else is there to do, but feel compassion and love? This is the season of darkness, but I will direct light where I can. And I will let mine continue to shine. I can not say that I am no longer hurt by this... I'm guess I'm just not that evolved yet, unfortunately (*chuckles*)... But I'm going to try to learn my lessons like the Child of the Goddess that I am. I'm going to try to practice compassion in everything... Yes. Even in this.